


Secrets of the Bullpen

by dontshootmespence



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Dorks, Gen, Secrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:20:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26184085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontshootmespence/pseuds/dontshootmespence
Summary: One night, while working late at the BAU, the team decides to keep themselves amused by reveling stupid secrets to each other.Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their original stories. This is only for fun. It's where my brain goes after the credits roll. No copyright intended. Better safe than sorry. ;)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 141





	Secrets of the Bullpen

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

Emily tapped her pen against the desk in rhythm with the clock without even thinking about it. “Okay, is it just me or is the ticking of a clock like Chinese water torture?”

Chuckling, Derek smiled and leaned back in his chair. Just as he was about to respond, Spencer looked up from his paperwork.

“Actually, Chinese water torture is more than the drip of the water. People frequently equate it with repetitive sound, but it’s actually a painful process where cold water is slowly dripped onto the scalp, forehead or face for a prolonged period of time, which allegedly makes the restrained victim go insane. It was first described by Hippolytus De Marsillis in Italy during the 15th or 16th century. What?” He asked when he felt all eyes on him.

“Alright, kid,” Rossi said. “Is there a study that shows that just repetitive noise can drive you crazy?”

JJ, Hotch and Garcia moseyed out into the bullpen, needing some kind of a break from their never-ending piles of paperwork. 

“Actually, yes. There’s a disorder called misophonia where certain sounds trigger an emotion or physiological response that many people describe as ‘driving them crazy.’”

Rossi laughed and excused himself for a moment, returning with a bottle of scotch from his desk. An unopened bottle. The kind he’d open in case of a celebration. “Alright, we all need a break and a laugh. So, everyone give me a glass, have a sip of scotch and let’s do something.”

“Play a game?!” Penelope screeched excitedly, clapping her hands together. “I’ve got an idea. Everyone has to revel a secret about themselves, but nothing big. Just something stupid that the rest of us wouldn’t know.”

For a moment, everyone pondered, glancing between their paperwork and the sweet freedom of a sip of scotch. “Screw it,” Emily said, holding a cup out to Rossi. “I’m in. I’ll go first.” She took a sip from her cup. “So, something about me that you guys wouldn’t know is…” She went through the Rolodex in her head. Hotch could tell she had a whole load of secrets up there and was searching for a good one. “Oh, okay, so I read all the lesbian fiction and fanfiction I can find. My favorite published book is The Sea of Light by Jenifer Levin and my favorite fanfiction is this one about two badass bitches from a hospital procedural I watch.”

No one said anything and then Hotch smiled. “I thought Garcia said we had to confess a secret.”

“Shut up.”

Rossi finished pouring and Derek was the last one. “Alright, your turn, Morgan.”

“And remember we’ll know if you lie,” JJ added. 

“Okay, I’m not about to tell you what name it’s under,” he said, taking two big sips of his drink. “But I’m going to piggyback off of Emily. I am on a social media site and, in my spare time, I might…write, what some would call fanfiction about a show that I watched when I was a kid that was cancelled way too soon. My brain was constantly thinking up ways the story could’ve continued so I started writing them down. I have a…decent following.” He hated that he was blushing. “This leaves the room I will kill you all.”

Penelope’s eyes lit up. “I don’t profile that frequently, but I’ll be damned if I don’t find out what blog’s yours.”

“Baby girl, I swear. I have no doubt that you’re gonna find it. When you do, you keep your little mouth shut.”

“Our little secret.”

Quickly enough, they all finished their first drinks and had Rossi pour a second. “You guys are gonna drink me out of house and home.”

“You can afford it,” Hotch laughed. “I’ll go. Like Morgan, I will kill anyone who speaks this outside this room. But my guilty pleasure, whenever I have the time, is taking bubble baths and listening to Frank Sinatra.”

Despite it only being the seven of them in the bullpen, the raucous laughter bounced off the walls. “You know that whenever you’re tense, we’re all gonna tell you to go take a bubble bath now, right?” Spencer said, smirking as he took a drink. 

“Watch it, Reid.” When the baby of the team couldn’t stop laughing, Hotch singled him out. “Okay, smart ass. You go.”

Spencer’s smile immediately dissolved as he combed through every facet of himself. There wasn’t a whole lot that the team didn’t know about him. Oh, I’ve got one. I talk all the time about classical music and how much I like it, but it’s not my favorite kind.”

“What is?” JJ asked, her eyebrow raised. 

“Metal. I’m obsessed with metal. Specifically Metallica, Judas Priest, Anthrax and Nightwish. I’ve been to more than 20 concerts between the four of them.”

“That screaming stuff? You like that?” Morgan asked incredulously. 

“No, no, metal isn’t actually a lot of screaming despite what people think. What you’re referencing is called screamo and I’m not into that. Makes me anxious.”

While the rest of the team asked Spencer about the different types of metal, a few of them got their drinks topped off and Spencer put Amaranth by Nightwish on in the background. “JJ, you next.”

“I don’t get to do it too often because when do we have the time, but I like cross stitching and I specifically cross-stitch inappropriate sayings like ‘eat a dick’ and ‘because fuck you, that’s why.’”

Emily begged for the ‘because fuck you, that’s why’ one and Garcia called ‘eat a dick.’ Spencer commissioned one that with the phrase, ‘try not to murder anyone today.’

“Okay, Garcia and Rossi. You’re the only two left. Your turn.” JJ said.

Rossi calmly sipped at his drink, leaving Garcia to spill the penultimate secret. “I’ve been thinking. Something stupid that you guys don’t know about me is that I’ve always been obsessed with dinosaurs. I mean ask me anything. When it comes to dinosaurs, I am Reid.”

Without missing a beat, Spencer asked, “When was the first dinosaur fossil discovered?”

“1822. Easy. And it was an Iguandon fossil. Give me a harder one.”

“What dinosaur looks like a cross between a parrot and porcupine?”

“Oh good one,” she laughed. “Can’t stump me though. That would be the Pegomastax. It’s teeth rubbing back and forth is what sharpened them.”

“Correct.”

“Damn right, I am!”

The entire team stared at their exchange in awe. “You’re both dorks,” Morgan said matter of factly.

“Well, this leads pretty effortlessly into my secret,” Rossi interjected. “I have a book draft where I roast every, single, one of you.”

Every head snapped in his direction. “What?!”


End file.
